10-90 Decisions

"There is more that You require of me"

"He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it"

"We must push through no matter what we are going through; just remember God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called"

These are all words spoken to me within the last few days. All seem to be words of encouragement, picking me up right where I was about to fall off. It just amazes me how people can say something, that if said at some other time might not have made a difference, but because it was spoken in a time of great need, it's like a rope pulling you out of quick sand.

Words are so powerful, I guess this is why it is written that life and death are in the power of the tongue. The more I think about things, I realize that there is a creative element to words. Words spoken create certain atmospheres whether at work, school or home. I may hardly notice it, but I control the mood I'm in all day. I used to think that "bad days" or "good days" controlled my mood or attitude, but more and more I realized that I was the one choosing to let "stuff" get to me. Because I would let these things get the best of me, I would talk or respond in a certain way; it was in a way that said, "look, life is too serious to smile right now." The thing is, I was controlled by my circumstances for so long that even when I wasn't in a "bad mood" I would still appear to be serious and not smiling. This year I think has been the most drastic change; for the better of course. For a long time I "knew" that I shouldn't let my circumstances control my attitude, and even gave people the same advice; but ask me if I practiced what I preached? Nope. I guess it was one of those ideals in my mind that I knew I should follow, but it just wasn't convenient enough. Well, I guess I just came to a place in my relationship with Jesus where I had to make a choice. Would I live a life of convenience? Or a life of obedience?

The good news is that I chose a life of obedience; the bad news is that I still lived a life of convenience. See, the choice alone wasn't enough; that was like 10% of the commitment. The other 90% would come when I made unpopular decisions, when I stood alone for what's right, but most importantly, when I realized life wasn't about me, but about giving glory to God.

Even after remembering those three pieces of divine advice I mentioned earlier, I still have a decision to make. I can conveniently put them aside because they go against the grain of what I might be feeling right now, or I can choose to listen, be obedient and push through. Making the right decision is the first step, but its only with God's continued help that I will actually make it through to the other side of any problem.

A Realization

It's really amazing. It's really an amazing feeling when you realize that Jesus is with you no matter what. I was singing a song [I sing about as well as a cat] and I was reminded about something I said to God last year sometime. I told Him, "Give me problems so that I will always seek Your presence." I think it's pretty sad that I find myself most sincere in my prayers when stuff's not going as planned. My prayers seem to be more 'intense' when I need something. I'm all about sacrifice-when I don't have any other choice. In a previous blog post I mentioned a little bit about God's grace, but the simple truth is that I don't know where I would be without it. When my attitude and performance suck, He still wants to be my friend. When I selfishly use my time to exclude Him, He still wants to be my friend. When I live my life the way I want to instead of His way, He still offers friendship. Why? I realized that it's simply because He is love.

I remember I used to have the thought that God was this All-Condemning God of Wrath, bent on destroying sinners. But, the more I got to know Him, I realized that He was a God of mercy and grace because of His immeasurable love. Of course I learnt a lot of tough lessons, and experienced a lot of hurt, a lot of which I could have probably done without. But, though all of the changes, trouble and problems one thing remained the same; and that's the fact that Jesus never left me, and He never forsook me. He was there the whole time.

Earlier I said that it's really an amazing feeling when you realize that Jesus is with you no matter what. It's one thing to know He's always there, it's another thing to realize it. I guess for a while I've known God's always hanging around in some way, but tonight I had an experience with Him that went far beyond anything I could ever know about Him; He made Himself real. I can't verbalize the realness anymore than the actual bond you feel between yourself and your closest friend, because I don't know what other words or phrases to use to try and explain it. It was like the invisible became visible, long enough for an actual presence to be felt. The strange thing is I still feel it and it's been about a half hour; like He's here or something. Hmm. Maybe I should go talk to Him. Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

A New Dimension of Trust

Overwhelming. Oh, how I missed that feeling. His presence is like standing at the doorway of a flood gate. Can you stand? I cant, so I kneel. Can I really kneel? I can’t, so I prostrate myself in the spirit, to be washed away in His presence.

“Oh, for grace to trust Him more.” Trust. A dimension I know very little about, or this is what I am finding out. It’s like a father who chooses to teach his son to swim by throwing him in the deep. Though the father is there with the son the whole time, the father can’t make the decision for the son to start moving his arms. This method of teaching is largely effective simply because the water is deep. Had the son been thrown into shallow water, he could simply stand up, not needing to learn how to swim. The deep however, is a place where standing on my own two feet plants me on the sea floor of the ocean.

I’ve been thrown into the shallow so many times that learning to swim wasn’t necessary. I’ve stood up so many times, that swimming was more like a, “nice to know” kinda thing. But now, I’m trying to stand again, only to find that I’m sinking; the depth of the water has changed on me.

I know I have a choice. I can continue trying to stand, or I can learn to swim. The answer seems obvious, I know, but apparently, it’s not so obvious in everyday life. How? Well, continuing to stand can have the illusion of perseverance in what I believe, continuing to stand makes it look like I know what I am doing all along because my method is so, “consistent.” Continuing to stand makes me look like a courageous explorer in “searching out the deep”, when in fact I am actually drowning.

Three beautiful words: Perseverance, Consistency and Courage. All wonderful attributes, collectively defining our disposition when we believe in something; clearly defining what it means to trust. But who am I trusting in? Do I trust in what I’ve always done, or do I trust in methods I know little or nothing about? If thrown into the deep, I’m pretty sure that everyone would immediately starting trying to swim, forgetting that they were able to stand in the shallow. Why then, do we choose to suffer the pain of using old ineffective methods when the troubling waters in our lives have become deep? It makes more sense to swim, than to drown in grief. It makes more sense to trust our father that he would not put us in a situation that we could not handle. It makes more sense to know, that though we feel alone, He is never out of reach.

It just makes more sense.