Breach of Contract

Date of original writing: Thursday, June 09, 2005

Just Sunday afternoon at the Henrietta Street Ministry 'under the bridge', I made a covenant with God that I will not allow my eyes to see things that will cause me to sin, or listen to things that will cause me to sin. Today, I broke this covenant. Wide open in fact, because I also broke it 2 days ago Tuesday. My heart aches. It aches because of what breaking my covenant led to. As I am writing this, my heart and mind are both broken. I feel alone in my sin. I asked forgiveness from God, I earnestly sought after it this evening as I was driving home. I feel God has forgiven me, but I am also aware that God disciplines those He loves. I know God will not put more on me than I can bear, and I thank Him for His continuous grace and mercy on my life.

Lately, I have been eyeing those Mercedes Benz Clks. You know, the 2-door convertible coupe? Usually, I’m more interested in the bigger 4 door sedans, but for some reason, this little 2-door Clk has been in my mind a lot lately. Occasionally, I even find myself thinking to ask God for this car. Though, as I was listening to Joyce Meyers earlier today, she said something that made a lot of sense. Something I knew already, but it must have slipped my mind. She said that God won’t give us certain things, until we are spiritually mature enough to handle it responsibly. At my age, dealing with the temptations that satan thwarts my way continually, do I really need a car like that to potentially cause me more problems in my spiritual life? Don’t get me wrong. The car in itself is not wrong to have. I’m just looking at my level of spiritual maturity. I don’t think that while I am sitting here writing, I am ready to have a car like that. If I had one, it would be easy for the enemy to attack me where I’m apparently weak. I will not be this way forever. In fact, I will not be this way much longer. No more, I told the Lord today. No more. I’m looking that sinful temptation square in the eye and saying NO. It starts here. It starts with Godly affirmations. I am with God, and God is in me.

I know sometimes I do things that God is not pleased with. If I feel hurt when someone hurts me, I can imagine how God feels, being all knowing, knowing if I will be praying the same forgiveness prayer once again, and again, and again. That’s how I feel right now. Like God is shaking His head at me saying “Quincy, Quincy Quincy…Why do you continue to hurt me?” All I can ever reply is…”God, I’m sorry…” Many times I remember asking forgiveness and it not registering in my heart. What I mean is that it was all verbal, and only from my mouth. My heart had no part in seeking forgiveness. My heart was not always with God. God however, I felt was always with me. I think because He always loved me, but I also think because of my praying family. God knows, it has a lot to do with my praying family. I thank my family for that.

But right now, I know, that I will go on from here, and live a life more pleasing to God. I do not like hurting Him. And I certainly do not want to see His wrath. I know that He loves me, and He will do whatever He sees necessary to keep me in His flock. Sometimes He’s easy on me, sometimes He’s not, one thing for sure, is that God is not fair. For if he was fair, I would have been dead and deserving of it. That is what fair is. To give mercy where it is due, and to spread wrath where necessary. I have received God’s grace and mercy many, many times in my life. More than I care to count. Each time I was not deserving.

But why did God grant me this grace? Because of His unconditional love for me. And Tuesday and today how do I repay him? By breaking his covenant. I’m sorry God. Forgive me. From today on, I will live Your word. I will continue to follow Your will for me life. And I will accept Your blessings in due season, as You see fit and as You see my spiritual maturity rising.